Fuck Yo' Textin' Saban....

YEAHHHHH NIGGAAASSSSSS!!!!!!!! Come to our skool yo. We got bitches, we got hos, we got this mothafukin stretched limo... GChiz knows how to put it down. Its not about what you look like on the field, its about whether or not you ridin' on some bullshit... and as you can see, we ain't... You may lose on SaturDAY, but you are the man SaturNIGHT... shiiiitt... This is the american dream. You betta come on in.

John Abraham Jr.

After much consideration of the Falcons' 2009 draft, I couldn't help notice one thing that kept popping into my head as I was checking out all of the picks. Lawrence Sidbury could be the rookie player that has the most impact on the Falcons' in the up coming season. As a matter of fact, he is eerily similar to the guy that will be lining up on the other side of the D-line from him in passing situations....

Both of them are around 6'-2" to 6'-3" 267 lbs. Sidbury does possess two very interesting physical strengths, he has 35" arms and 10 inch hands. Both of these are instrumental in keeping blockers off of you. He is also a lightning bolt coming off the end just like Abraham. He posted the fastest 40 yd dash time of any DE at the combine running a 4.53. While posting that time in the 40, he also registered the fastest 10 yd dash of anyone at the combine posting a 1.53 second mark in that area. This means that if you are a QB, yo' ass better be moving with a since of urgency. Because not only is this kid explosive, he has an arsenal of moves like this....

That little pull move he does around the 1:40 mark is nasty...



He registered 4 sacks in that game, and was named MVP. It was the D-I FCS Championship Game against Montana. Oh, and that RT that he abused all night, he is 6'-7" 305 lb Chris Dyk. You add an explosive pocket collapser like Peria Jerry, and then have these 2 guys coming off the end. Man, I keep having this vision of the Sugar Bowl where UGA played Hawaii. I see QB's flat backed staring up at the sky. Jay Cutler in particular.

The Evil Architect

Although many Georgians still can't pronounce his name right, Thomas Dimitroff is rapidly assemblying a weapon of mass destruction in Flowery Branch. With the most recent aquisition of future Hall of Fame TE Tony Gonzalez, he has given the offense the one piece they were missing to make them a very dangerous opponent for any defense. I would love to see anyone attempt to load the box to stop the run now.

This blockbuster trade happens on the eve (well kind of) of Dimitroff's 2nd, and much anticipated, draft. Here in lies the greatest feat of this move. The Falcons gave up a 2nd round pick in NEXT YEAR's DRAFT! What in the F... Who is this guy? Granted, the deal was made with KC's new GM Scott Pioli. Pioli was Dimitroff's boss in New England, so the 2 do have history, but still. Then, with the draft picks like Harry Douglas, Curtis Lofton, Matt Ryan, Chevous Jackson, Thomas DeCoud, and Sam Baker all contributing in a season where the unlikely Falcons made the playoffs; having a full arsenal of draft picks this year too is going to allow the Falcons to load up on young talent. It looks as though the evil architect is up to it again.

Lost in the sea of all these rookies, is the free agent aquisitions and dead weight releases. Bringing in Michael Turner headlined Dimitroff's first few months on the job. Turner finished 61 yds behind Adrian Peterson in rushing last season. He was the catalyst for a fairly potent offense. He signed some veteran guys on defense like Hutchinson, Coleman, and Jackson that helped make up a suprisingly sturdy defense. This season, he brings in Mike Peterson. Peterson played under Smith in Jacksonville, and played well. He is going to make a huge impact on Curtis Lofton, and will have no learning curve because he already knows the defensive scheme. Now this.


Tony Gonzalez only had 96 catches last year with Tyler Thigpen as a QB. He is only a 10 time pro bowler. He is only the greatest player in Chiefs' history. He is only one of the best, if not the best, TE in NFL history. All this packaged up for a potential 54-56th pick in the 2010 draft. Not a typo, 54-56th pick. With the draft this weekend, look for Dimitroff and Co. to go defense, defense, defense this year.

While Supplies Last

We here at Gherkin's Place have come up with yet another million dollar idea, and don't be the last to get in on it. Forget the "Balance Pro"...

I don't even want to know what this thing is....

That must be the "good game" trainer.

We will offer no gimmicks. The results are 100% proven. While supplies last, get your hands on the most informative instructional video on the market. It is "How Not to Play Fucking Baseball" starring the Atlanta Braves.

Starting out with the first disc, "This is MAJOR LEAGUE BLEEPIN' BASEBALL", you get an indepth look at what is the most effective way to piss away a seven run lead in one inning....

The second disc, "Any One Got A Dip: Chronicles from the Bench", gives Chipper Jones' thoughts on how to be injured everyday of your life.

The third and final disc,"Atleast Now I Fly Out to Right", will walk you through step by step on how to change your swing and pop out to the opposite field with the bases loaded and 2 outs.

And, for the first 500 callers, you will get free of charge the 3 disc Intensive Defense set. Including "Terance Moore Loves Me", featuring Garrett Anderson. A look at how to drop 3 foul balls in one game, including secret tips on how to do it twice in the same inning to the same batter.

"No Puedo Golpear la Maldita Guante" will show the best way not to hit the first baseman when throwing the ball to first from shortstop. And finally, "A Man with 4 Balls Can't Walk". This highly instructional video, brought to you by the bullpen, will teach young pitchers how to throw everything they've learned in their lives to this point out of the window. It will teach you to live by one philosphy:

If I keep throwing balls, I won't have to work as much.

Hurry, and order yours today. These things are flying out the doors!!

Heaven on Earth

Here it is. The pearly white gates of Heaven on Earth. A place that is so quite and serene you feel alone among the thousands that wonder these grounds. If you arrive early enough in the morning, you can catch the sun rise being slightly blocked out by the fog trapped between the pines and magnolias. Like the spirit of Bobby Jones is reminding the players that he is still watching.

From the first tee to the championship putt on 18, this course will challenge anyone who dares test it. From the holes that never seem to end, to the greens that are as treacherous as they are immaculate. This course will either make you immortal, or send you into the pits of defeat. Having experienced this tournament from many different angles, opening day, on a Saturday, and experiencing Tiger's putt on 18 to put a stamp on back to back green jackets in 2002, I can say that it is an experience that everyone should have. It is hard to explain to someone how a place can go from being able to hear the pines rustle in the wind, to being so loud it sounds as if you are in the Thunderdome when something like this happens....

And because of the layout of this course, when these roars happen. Everyone on the course knows it. It is a very intimidating thing to be on the 17th whole and hear a roar like that coming from behind you.

There are other great things that make this tournament as well. The prices for the concession there is amazing. I bought 2 sandwiches and 2 beers for $7... That is right, $7. I go to baseball games and pay that much for one beer. The hospitality of everyone. Me and the guy I was with in 2002 got to the course early and went and set our chairs down on the 18th green in a place that had a favorable view of green, went and walked around all day. When we came back, the chairs had not been bothered. Although they were engulfed by about 1000 more chairs. This left a great view to watch Mr. Woods repeat.

With Tiger coming off of his first win since the US Open, and no one else really playing out of their minds, this seems like Tiger's jacket to lose. But with the course awaiting everyone, it will make for good entertainment. For 4 days at least.

Macheda United

In the spirit of Man U having every badass player in the world come up through their youth program, meet 17-year old Federico Macheda. Who is this you ask? This is an Italian kid who transfered in from the Lazio Academy and has spent all of his time with the 2nd or 3rd squads while playing for the Red Devils. He was considered the most inexperienced player that Sir Alex Ferguson had on the bench when Man U hosted Aston Villa at Old Trafford on Sunday.

With the defending EPL Champions on a 2 game skid, and a Champions League game looming in 48 hours, the Devils took the field against Villa beat up and short handed. With Berbatov and Ferdinand hurt, and Rooney and Scholes suspended for the game due to red cards, this had all of the makings of another bad day for Man U.

The day started well for the Reds with Ronaldo putting an indirect free kick in the back of the net after a bone-headed back pass from Milner to Friedel. Villa would answer, and answer strong. With goals by Carew in the 30th minute, and Agbonlahor in the 58th minute, Villa stormed back to a 2-1 lead putting Man U on the ropes and in danger of losing an unheard of 3rd straight EPL game. Already in second place behind Liverpool in the standings, the Devils could not afford to walk away with zero points in this game...

Enter Cristiano Ronaldo... again... The Portuguese Bad-ass squeaks a weak, but extremely well placed , shot by a diving Friedel to level the game at 2 in the 80th minute. At this point, the feeling that something special was about to happen was in the air. One couldn't help but to feel that the kid who entered the game in the 61st minute replacing Nani would play a part, and play a part he did.

5 minutes of stoppage time was added to the end of the game, an eternity for the firepower of Man U. At least when they have their starting line up in. But in true Devil fashion, this make shift line up was relentless in their attack, and in the 93rd minute the special happened. Macheda received the ball at the top of the 18, started out to the left, and then stopped, pivoted and bent one of the most beautiful shots you will see around Friedel and inside of the post to send Old Trafford into a frenzy...

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Something special had happened... A goal on his first shot, in his first game, and it probably will be viewed as the most important goal of the season for the Champs. Yellow carded after the goal for running into the corner of the pitch and hugging a man that had jumped from the stands, but no one cared. The season was saved.

So the title is a little over dramatic, but Macheda appears to be another up and comer for the Red Devils. Although he has a way to go to replace some of the Rooney's and Ronaldo's that already lace the Manchester United line up.

I Hate to Say "I Told You So".....

If any of you out there (if there is any) ever questioned my self proclaimed likeness to the omnipotent one of the Star Wars Episodes, hopefully I have taken a step to answering those questions. Previously posted, I called out the head coach of the US Men's National Soccer Team Bob Bradley. I questioned his roster and game strategy moves. Even making reference to the fact that he may have lost his mind. Well, after his team's performance Wed. night against Trinidad & Tabago, it appears he may be taking his medication.

With Altidore and Ching playing up front, and an interesting twist added to the 4-4-2 at midfield, the US exploded against T&T in their World Cup Qualifying match in Nashville last night winning 3-0. Missing from the line-up, Pearce and Kljestan. The only other player that I said in my previous post that had no business playing was Michael Bradley. Which his performance supported my claim that dude blows a fat cock.

The twist at center midfield was stacking Bradley and Mastroeni, with Bradley playing up front as an attacking midfielder and Mastroeni playing back in defense. This, strategically, worked very well. However, with Mastroeni's age, this may be more effective with Adu or Edu playing up front and Bradley playing back. This may take away some of the temptations for Bradley to take distant shots and miss poorly. I mean, there was a time last night where he drilled Donovan with a shot that would have been 15 yds wide if it had not hit something.

John Harkes stated that Donovan and Beasley had been playing together for so long that they had great feel of what each other was going to do. Well, anyone who watched the U-21 World Cup would know that Adu and Altidore are developing the same type chemistry. This is why it is impairitive that Adu gets on the field. But for some reason, Bradley won't play Adu over his son.

The 19-year old Altidore was responsible for all 3 American goals, with Donovan helping out with all 3 assists. This gives Altidore 4 goals in 120 minutes of action in World Cup qualifying, making him the youngest player to ever score a goal and a hat trick in WC qualifying in US history. I would hope this would secure him a spot in the starting line-up because dude is one of the few pure finishers that the US squad has. His second goal is proof positive of this as he side stepped a defender, putting him flat on his back, and blasted a shot past Ince.

The American's next game is June 3rd against Costa Rica. Let's see what Bradley has in store for us... More genius or more insanity.... there is a fine line.