The Look of Your Demise

It has become an inevitable certainty... Sunday, down 5 strokes, this look comes out like a swiss army knife. Like the utility tool, this look has many different aspects; putting, chipping, hazard saves. Whatever it is going to take for this man to end you, he has. Even more amazing than Tiger Wood's ability to chase yo' ass down, is his ability to make anyone and everyone piss on themselves. O'Hair, the poor lad, never knew what hit him. Before he knew it, he was hitting the ball in the water on the 16th hole at the Bay Hill Invitational. After the hole was over, he was looking up at Tiger on the leaderboard. The drama on the 17th seemed almost scripted to set up another remarkable finish on the 18th. With the killer instinct back, and Augusta National looming in the distance, golf seems to be heating up again. And with the exceptional short game the Minister of Death has been displaying over the past 2 tournaments he has participated in, we could be in for something spectacular in a little over a week. Having attended The Masters 3 times in my life, I can honestly say that this particular golf course may be the one entity on this planet that can hold its own against Mr. Woods.

Bob Bradley is clearly INSANE.

Albert Einstein once said “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. So, when El Salvador went into their "pee-wee basketball"(meaning cramming every possible player into the center of the 18 yd box) defense, did Bradley make no adjustments to switch the US attack outside to the wings? Why did he continue to let Dempsey and Donovan continually get repelled from the top of the 18 yd box? Because dude is insane... Oh wait, there is more evidence to support my claim... Why does he continue to leave his son in the game when he obviously has no business on the field at all? Insanity is genetic apparently, because Bradley Jr. took repeated shots from 9000 miles away missing by the same distance. Hell, so did the whole US team for the first 70 minutes of the game Saturday.

The game started good for the US. They displayed solid passing, and had a couple of solid chances in the first 8 minutes of the game. All were thwarted by the afore mentioned "distance shots". The atmosphere was hostile and the game was physical. The El Salvadorian speed superiority was clear from the start. This was going to be a fight. Then, along came the 15th minute...

GOALLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!GOAL, GOAL, GO-GOAL!!!!!!

Eliseo Quintanilla walks in and puts one in the back of the US goal. Here we go again... After this point in the game, the Americans started playing like their normal selves. No spacing, poor passing, and the inert ability to trip over each other on a 130 yd pitch. They go into the half down a goal. And, the insanity is present. No Altidore, no Adu, no offense.

The second half started much like the first ended. No adjustments in personnel, no adjustments in strategy. The Americans continued to attack the middle of the El Salvadorian "shell" defense with the same result. Altidore, the 19 year old up-and-comer, joins the fight in the 61st minute replacing Heath Pearce (who has no business suiting up for the US ever again). Along comes the 72nd minute and.......

GOALLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!GOAL, GOAL, GO-GOAL!!!!!!

Cristian Castillo soars high and puts it past Guzan, 2-0 El Salvador. Things are now dire. However, the US play did start to pick up with the addition of Altidore. They finally realize that the wings have been wide open all night. Hejduk gets wide, crosses it in to Altidore and he finishes cutting the lead in half. Now the bullshit that everyone hates about soccer begins. The El Salvadorians begin dropping like flies. At one point, the goalie was on the ground for a good 4 minutes apparently receiving ACL surgery ON THE FIELD. He looked to have injured his left leg on a save attempt and when down screaming aloud as if he had been shot. You know, they can swim across a gulf, but can't crawl over an out of bounds line. This type of behavior continued for pretty much the rest of the game, with pretty much every player experiencing "serious injuries" wink, wink. Wading through the nonsense, Hejduk chunks Altidore out of the way to head in the equalizer in the 88th to save some pride for the Yanks.

Where do we go from here? As said before, Pearce needs to go. He has been irrelevant as of late. Sasha Kljestan needs to step it up, or step it out too. Bradley needs to find a way to get the young guys like Adu, Edu, and Altidore some starts because Dempsey and Beasley seem to be exiting their primes. Dempsey, in particular, has been extremely disappointing. I am not sure if he thinks he has some sense of entitlement because he plays in the EPL. But his performance in the past year has been a far cry from his break out performance in the 2002 World Cup. Finally, Bradley needs to explain to his son that he is not John Terry and needs to stop taking shots from the upper deck, and quit committing stupid fucking fouls right outside of the box. When all is said and done, they will have a chance to redeem themselves Wednesday night when they take on Trinidad & Tobago. Tune in and see if the insanity continues.

"I NEED SOME NINNIE!!!!!!!!!!"

Jack and Sandy Cutler's phone rings late one
frigid March night in Denver......


Sandy: "Hello?????"

Jay: "Mom, Mom? Is that you?"

Sandy: "Jay???? What's wrong????"

Jay: "Mommy, I need to come home. But not to your house now. You are going to have to sell that one."

Sandy:"Jay, what is going on? You're scaring me..."

Jay: sniffling "He likes Matt Cassel better than me...." (now in a full sob) "WHY??????????? WHY, WHEN EVERYTHING WAS GOING SO GOOD? WE JUST HAD AN 8-8 SEASON, ANNNNND WE EVEN LOST THE LAST 3 GAMES OF THE YEAR TO MISS THE PLAYOFFS! WHAT MORE DOES HE WANT FROM ME????"

Sandy: "Who baby? What more does who want from you?"

Jay: " That doodie-head Josh McDaniel."

Sandy:"Your coach?"

Jay: "yes"

Sandy: "Aw honey, everything will work itself out. Tell me what I can do."

Jay: "Can I have some ninnie?"

Sandy:(embarassed)"Jay you are 25 years old, you are a big boy now. You were only allowed to have ninnie until you graduated college. I knew I should have taken your binky away too... Besides, after I went through menopause, I lost the ability to lactate."

Jay:"But... but.... mom.... PLEASE. I need it.... Will you atleast pump some and put it in a ba-ba for me?"

Sandy:"You aren't hearing me son. My body doesn't do that anymore..."

Jay: "Well, your body is stupid and you are being mean to me. You just wait until tomorrow. I am going to call Chris Mortensen to set up an exclusive interview to tell the nation how stupid your body is and that I want to be traded out of THIS FAMILY!!!!! AND I AM MOVING AWAY!!! SO NANNY-NANNY BOO-BOO STICK YOUR HEAD IN DOO-DOO"

The phone slams down and the call is lost....

My Name is Aaron Murray... and as you can see, I've got weapons biatches!!!!

Even though UGA signed 2 of the the top 10 qb prospects in the nation. Judging by the talent of the 2, it seems that Aaron Murray will be inheriting the starting job at UGA at the start of the 2010 season. The kid for 2 straight years put up EA sports numbers as a junior, and for the games he played as a senior. Capping it all off with a 332 yd, 3 td game in the Florida AAAA State Championship. Even more frightening is the way Georgia's offense is shaping up around him.

• AJ Green- Upcoming sophomore at UGA. Ended his freshman year with 963 yds and a seat at the top of the SEC in receiving. Flashes of brilliance, and the uncanny ability to go up and snatch the ball out of the air with his catcher mitt hands. Very elusive in the open field, and shows a surprisingly effective stiff arm.
• Caleb King- Very elusive back that was rated at the top of the running back class of 2006. Although injured for much of his senior year, he put up plenty of "YouTube" material his junior year. Expected to be the featured back with Moreno's departure.
• Marlon Brown- This guy is the equivalent to Alabama's Julio Jones. All college scouts refer to him as a "man among boys". At 6'5" 205 pounds, he is going to create a lot of mismatches. Especially with AJ Green lined up on the other side of the field. We all saw what he is capable of in one pass from Matt Barkley in the Under Armour game when he took it 70 yds to the house.
• Orson Charles- The newest Dawg, and former teammate of Murray at Plant H.S. Charles was Murray's primary target en route to the championship. With UGA signing a more "traditional" TE in Arthur Lynch, look for Charles to be used in a TE flex system to allow him to use his size and speed to create big mismatches across the middle of the field.
• Washaun Ealey- Shattered pretty much every Georgia state record for a rb. All where held by Herschel Walker. This guy is a perfect blend of size and speed, and isn't afraid to deliver the first blow. Runs with the same passion as Knowshon, but with a more solid lower body.
• Branden Smith- Branden's natural position is cb, where some are saying that he is going to be the next Champ Bailey. In that sense, look to see Smith play some offense and return some kicks. This guy is listed as the fastest guy in Atlanta when he posted a 10.62 100 meter. Very dangerous man with the ball in his hands. 4.26 40.

The arsenal is being set, now if Murray can live up to his potential, you may be looking at one of the most explosive offenses in the country. Not to mention that when (if) Murray takes over in 2010, the Oline will be loaded with juniors and seniors. All of whom are highly experienced. Will this be enough firepower to get UGA over the Florida Hump? It is going to be fun to watch, that is for sure.

Mark Richt and his Disciples

"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children."

Is there anything that is going to bait an Assistant Coach away from the University of Georgia Football program? First, it was Stacy Searels. Searels is the O-line coach, and a damn good one. With losses to 2 starters and highly experienced guys in Trinton Sturdivant and Vince Vance, Searels mixed and matched pieces all season to form a suprisingly solid front 5. Coach Searels is an Auburn alum, playing under Coach Dye from 84-87. Chizik came calling, Searels declined.

Then, there was Rodney Gardner. Gardner is the d-line coach, assistant head coach, and much heralded recruiting coordinator. This guy flat out locks it down in the state of Georgia, and has gained a lot of national recognition by pulling top recruits out of states like New Jersey, Indiana, Florida, Tennessee, and Missouri. Tennessee tried to come after him and sell him on the Kiffy-poos "MEGA-STAFF"(Low rumblings of distant thunder along with sinister Danny Elfman music can be heard). Gardner interviewed, and respectively declined even with the move giving him a significant pay raise and a chance to work with Papa Kiffy-poo. "Just like Monte was a major attraction for me there, coach Richt is a major attraction for me here. Just the opportunity to work for him as always is just tremendous." is the reason Gardner gave for staying put.

Most recently, John Jancek. Coach Jancek is the linebackers coach. Jancek has put players like Boss Bailey, Tony Taylor, Odell Thurman, Brandon Miller, Jarvis Jackson, and Danny Verdun Wheeler into the NFL. He has also been key in developing players like Dannell Ellerbe, Rennie Curran, and Marcus Washington. The University of South Florida called on him to be their new defensive coordinator, and like the others... he is staying.

My question is... what is so different in Athens? What is so different that makes the University of Georgia's program among the few that can keep key components to their staff, even for less money or a lower billet? What makes it such an "honor" to work for a man like Coach Richt? What ever it is, all sports could use more of it. In the era of "sellouts", stories like this are a nice change of pace.

Ryan Mallett- The 6'7" lush....

I would like to start this dialogue with a "legal disclaimer" of sort. If I too lived in Fayetteville, AR, I would drink my self stupid as well...

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Ryan Mallett.

Ryan Mallet has all of the measurables to be a solid college Qb. He has the size at 6'7" 255 lbs. He has good mobility. He has nice accuracy. He also has absolutely no sense. Reports out of Arkansas say he was arrested around 4 a.m on Dickson St. for public intoxication. There are 2 aspects of this story that I am still trying to wrap my brain around:

1. Reports say that Mallett was released 1 hour after being arrested. An hour? Seriously? I was under the impression that processing in jails took close to 6 hrs.... Not that we have any personal experience with this.

2. Bobby Petrino's statement after the arrest.

"I am very disappointed that Ryan Mallett put himself in a situation that doesn't reflect positively on him or on our program," Petrino said. "All members of the Razorback football team have a responsibility to conduct themselves in an appropriate manner on and off the field. While the legal process has not yet taken its course in this matter, Ryan will face internal team disciplinary action for not representing the Razorbacks in a way that is required of our student-athletes."

Quitrino, dude, did you forget about lying on MNF, and running off in the middle of the night on the Falcons and leaving a "dear John" note to the organization. Maybe YOU need to read that second sentence there buddy boy. You want to talk about personal conduct on and off the field.

While there probably isn't a lot of national attention going towards this story because, well, the Razorbacks are terrible and nobody really gives a shit. I like to point out their issues because we here at Gherkin's Landing happen to be quite fond of the Falcons, and not so fond of Arkansas. So, to wrap this up, keep on drinking Ryan. It looks like all of the Hog fans up in Arkansas will have to wait another year for that National Championship that Petrino was going to bring them in his first year.